The pizza parlor we went to once
The cotton, maroon sweater you wore was so nice
The wide grin before a pan of pizza full of bananas
The munching sound mixed with laughter
The long walk we had around school
The midnight calls I took when you wanted to talk
I can barely remember your birthdays now
Did I always remember them?
Did we do anything special?
Did I give you any present?
Did you eagerly tell me that it was your birthday?
Or did the day pass just like the others?
I remember your visit once
To my dorm faraway from yours
We’re wide awake all night long
Watching movies and snacking till dawn
In the morning I walked you to the station
The train came closer as we waved our goodbyes
How would I know it would be our last?
Long after it departed
Long after your face got blurry in the distance
I grasped on my heart and squeezed its tears
Never enough, the time was never enough
I could have had more of you, been more for you
The fights and the arguments we had
The promises we gave when we made up
The strong grip on my shoulder
The lovely touch of your fingers on mine
The long lasting look you gave me
The pat on my head when you comforted me
All of them were gone the second you abandoned me
You disappeared, vanished with time and space
All of my efforts to find you went down the drain
Because you didn’t want to be found
You wanted to be gone and leave me forever
How unfortunate that your wishes came true
The day I received that phone call I knew
The voice was your sister’s, but in my head I saw you
It’s as if I had been listening to you speaking
“I’m gone, please let me go.”
I shook my head repeatedly, of course
Waking up my self from this horrible dream
But reality it was, and never a dream
That you passed away, so suddenly
You left without any word
Neither a sign nor a premonition
Like smoke engulfed by thin air
One second you’re here, the other you’re gone
I had only got myself to blame
I should have tried harder, done better
Reached for you even if you avoided me
Stubbornly been by your side
Insisted for you to let me in
Never taken no for an answer
But in my shyness I subsided
I was so afraid that you would like me less
So afraid that I wasn’t someone you looked for
So terrified that you would leave me
When you realize that I had never been
Someone who suited you as you wished
My dear, fear and regret are entwined with each other
My fear of losing you made me hold back
All the things I should have said and done
Then regret washed over me again and again
As I mulled over the past neither of us could change
All you left me with were memories
I remember you on your birthday
Your sweet and innocent smile
The small dimple on your right cheek
The straight line your eyes made when you laughed
Your deep and throaty chuckles
The beautiful way you played the guitar
The cheerful melody in which you whistled
I remember them on your birthday
As I walk over these hills to get to where you are
Laid peacefully among the departed
Only a small stone signs your presence
Green and green as far as I could see
Everlasting life, eternal love
I suppose even the dead still longs for them
I miss you on your birthday
Come to my dream and talk to me
Hold my hand and walk with me
Even for a mere second
Even in my imagination
Come to me and be with me again
I still love you on your birthday
-Kayla to Aldo (Bond, the novel)-
Rijo Tobing 