I Remember You on Your Birthday

The pizza parlor we went to once

The cotton, maroon sweater you wore was so nice

The wide grin before a pan of pizza full of bananas

The munching sound mixed with laughter

The long walk we had around school

The midnight calls I took when you wanted to talk

I can barely remember your birthdays now

Did I always remember them?

Did we do anything special?

Did I give you any present?

Did you eagerly tell me that it was your birthday?

Or did the day pass just like the others?

I remember your visit once

To my dorm faraway from yours

We’re wide awake all night long

Watching movies and snacking till dawn

In the morning I walked you to the station

The train came closer as we waved our goodbyes

How would I know it would be our last?

Long after it departed

Long after your face got blurry in the distance

I grasped on my heart and squeezed its tears

Never enough, the time was never enough

I could have had more of you, been more for you

The fights and the arguments we had

The promises we gave when we made up

The strong grip on my shoulder

The lovely touch of your fingers on mine

The long lasting look you gave me

The pat on my head when you comforted me

All of them were gone the second you abandoned me

You disappeared, vanished with time and space

All of my efforts to find you went down the drain

Because you didn’t want to be found

You wanted to be gone and leave me forever

How unfortunate that your wishes came true

The day I received that phone call I knew

The voice was your sister’s, but in my head I saw you

It’s as if I had been listening to you speaking

“I’m gone, please let me go.”

I shook my head repeatedly, of course

Waking up my self from this horrible dream

But reality it was, and never a dream

That you passed away, so suddenly

You left without any word

Neither a sign nor a premonition

Like smoke engulfed by thin air

One second you’re here, the other you’re gone

I had only got myself to blame

I should have tried harder, done better

Reached for you even if you avoided me

Stubbornly been by your side

Insisted for you to let me in

Never taken no for an answer

But in my shyness I subsided

I was so afraid that you would like me less

So afraid that I wasn’t someone you looked for

So terrified that you would leave me

When you realize that I had never been

Someone who suited you as you wished

My dear, fear and regret are entwined with each other

My fear of losing you made me hold back

All the things I should have said and done

Then regret washed over me again and again

As I mulled over the past neither of us could change

All you left me with were memories

I remember you on your birthday

Your sweet and innocent smile

The small dimple on your right cheek

The straight line your eyes made when you laughed

Your deep and throaty chuckles

The beautiful way you played the guitar

The cheerful melody in which you whistled

I remember them on your birthday

As I walk over these hills to get to where you are

Laid peacefully among the departed

Only a small stone signs your presence

Green and green as far as I could see

Everlasting life, eternal love

I suppose even the dead still longs for them

I miss you on your birthday

Come to my dream and talk to me

Hold my hand and walk with me

Even for a mere second

Even in my imagination

Come to me and be with me again

I still love you on your birthday

-Kayla to Aldo (Bond, the novel)-

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